Thursday, February 26, 2015
murphy's poop
murphy's poop. noun. def: the phenomenon of mistakenly and consistently choosing the stall in which a coworker has recently pooped when all other toilet stalls are available.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
murderous ponderings and moments of zen
i cannot cannot cannot and will not be holed up in my home with children - even (or especially?) mine. one of those little fuckers growled at me like an animal yesterday. GROWLED.AT.ME. don't they realize that i am their food source? kids aren't very smart, and i can't say that enough.
the littles also spent way more than one hour badly attempting stealth missions that involved insanely loud stage whispering (audible all the way downstairs) and general skulking around and spying. it was equally comical and annoying in varying amounts until it just became annoying and borderline creepy. i mean, what did they hope to discover anyway? if it was adult farting and side-by-side phone fondling, i suppose their mission was accomplished. take that info back to headquarters - stat!
stay-at-home mothers: i applaud you, i admire you, i don't understand you but i respect the shit out of you. i couldn't do it. (see paragraph 1, last sentence)
stay-at-home mothers who live in cold climates in which winters last at least 5 months: i think you might be insane. certainly if you didn't start out that way, you have to be now, right? also, you're going straight to heaven.
apropos of nothing, i've been recently pondering the notion that there's a difference between never wanting to do anything and just wanting to do nothing. because sometimes, i just want to do nothing. but i don't consider myself to be one of those people who never wants to do anything. i've been falsely accused! let that be your "tree falling in the woods" meditation theme.
speaking of meditation, every time i get still, i get sleepy. how do monks do it? also speaking of meditation, every time i type that word, i accidentally type medication. typo, or keen insight into modern times? that can be another meditation theme or the beginning of your next nap.
the littles also spent way more than one hour badly attempting stealth missions that involved insanely loud stage whispering (audible all the way downstairs) and general skulking around and spying. it was equally comical and annoying in varying amounts until it just became annoying and borderline creepy. i mean, what did they hope to discover anyway? if it was adult farting and side-by-side phone fondling, i suppose their mission was accomplished. take that info back to headquarters - stat!
stay-at-home mothers: i applaud you, i admire you, i don't understand you but i respect the shit out of you. i couldn't do it. (see paragraph 1, last sentence)
stay-at-home mothers who live in cold climates in which winters last at least 5 months: i think you might be insane. certainly if you didn't start out that way, you have to be now, right? also, you're going straight to heaven.
apropos of nothing, i've been recently pondering the notion that there's a difference between never wanting to do anything and just wanting to do nothing. because sometimes, i just want to do nothing. but i don't consider myself to be one of those people who never wants to do anything. i've been falsely accused! let that be your "tree falling in the woods" meditation theme.
speaking of meditation, every time i get still, i get sleepy. how do monks do it? also speaking of meditation, every time i type that word, i accidentally type medication. typo, or keen insight into modern times? that can be another meditation theme or the beginning of your next nap.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
unrelated observations and subsequent judging
ants are committing suicide in my bathtub on the regular. every time i bathe in there, i have to rinse out ant carcasses before i can plug the tub and run my bath. everybody always talks about how incredible ants are...their amazing strength and the complexity of their colonies and whatnot. but as far as i'm concerned, if you can't even see your way out of a bathtub, you're not all that bright. they're following other stupid ants who are going to die to the spot where they are also going to die. they should drive their little short buses in there and get it all done at one time.
have you ever received a compliment from someone who is completely fashion impaired, head to toe? i'm talking about the woman in your office with the flowbee hairdo and the socks with sandals who's missing some of the important teeth toward the front - you know the one. do you worry about that compliment and then wonder if you're also doing it wrong? (observations like this are why people either don't like me or like me a lot.)
we have a neighborhood facebook page that i regret joining most days. there are some really informative things that pop up there every now and again, but for the most part it's bored stay-at-home moms kvetching about their neighbors' driving and reporting any and all unmarked white vans parked in or around the hood. the posts themselves are eyeroll material (i'm trying, okay!), but the turns they take as the comments add up are fodder for a jerry springer neighborhood craptacular. one such post about a car who tapped a jogger because neither was paying attention turned into a debate about who was more at fault - the driver or the jogger. another about a missing pet turtle turned into a name-calling brawl about pet theft. and don't get them started about the illegal u-turns in front of the elementary school. they invariably end with the wrath of god being called down upon the offending minivan driver whereby they are cursed forever and will be forced to bear the stain of their sins so that all may know of their transgressions. example: i don't want to call anybody out publicly, but if you drive a honda odyssey with license plate dg4-lbe and your name rhymes with pallison spith, watch your back. and then there was the lady who was "sickened" by the cars parked in the street on such-and-such drive. sickened. ladies (and i say this with a sad heart because most of the offending posts are by humanoids of my gender)...you need to leave the house. make your world bigger. i assure you there are larger issues that will generate legitimate reasons to be sickened. your facebook posts aren't going to solve any of those issues. also - news flash. there are a metric shit-ton of really bad drivers out there. they don't care if you honk. they don't care if you post. they will continue to be bad drivers. take a deep breath and then just let it go. then turn off your computer, leave the house and do something worthwhile. but if you take nothing else away from this paragraph, remember this: turn off your computer. seriously, i mean it.
have you ever received a compliment from someone who is completely fashion impaired, head to toe? i'm talking about the woman in your office with the flowbee hairdo and the socks with sandals who's missing some of the important teeth toward the front - you know the one. do you worry about that compliment and then wonder if you're also doing it wrong? (observations like this are why people either don't like me or like me a lot.)
we have a neighborhood facebook page that i regret joining most days. there are some really informative things that pop up there every now and again, but for the most part it's bored stay-at-home moms kvetching about their neighbors' driving and reporting any and all unmarked white vans parked in or around the hood. the posts themselves are eyeroll material (i'm trying, okay!), but the turns they take as the comments add up are fodder for a jerry springer neighborhood craptacular. one such post about a car who tapped a jogger because neither was paying attention turned into a debate about who was more at fault - the driver or the jogger. another about a missing pet turtle turned into a name-calling brawl about pet theft. and don't get them started about the illegal u-turns in front of the elementary school. they invariably end with the wrath of god being called down upon the offending minivan driver whereby they are cursed forever and will be forced to bear the stain of their sins so that all may know of their transgressions. example: i don't want to call anybody out publicly, but if you drive a honda odyssey with license plate dg4-lbe and your name rhymes with pallison spith, watch your back. and then there was the lady who was "sickened" by the cars parked in the street on such-and-such drive. sickened. ladies (and i say this with a sad heart because most of the offending posts are by humanoids of my gender)...you need to leave the house. make your world bigger. i assure you there are larger issues that will generate legitimate reasons to be sickened. your facebook posts aren't going to solve any of those issues. also - news flash. there are a metric shit-ton of really bad drivers out there. they don't care if you honk. they don't care if you post. they will continue to be bad drivers. take a deep breath and then just let it go. then turn off your computer, leave the house and do something worthwhile. but if you take nothing else away from this paragraph, remember this: turn off your computer. seriously, i mean it.
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