for purposes of anonymity when this blog hits the bigtime, we'll say there might be a grown person, perhaps in my office, perhaps even in a high level position, that feels the appropriate way to greet co-workers is to shoot imaginary finger guns at them. perhaps always with sound effects and without any words spoken. and hypothetically speaking, this behavior has been observed by me so many times that i often feel a compulsive urge...no...NEED to fire back in a different way. perhaps i'd use an imaginary automatic rifle or a shotgun. or if i'm feeling fancy, maybe a bow and arrow or a blow dart. stabbing is out because the sound effects are so lame. of course when i follow this fantasy to its natural conclusion, i end up fired or WORSE...standing in the hallway with this person (if he or she exists) who is gaping at me at me with no clear understanding of what just transpired. i'd have to fake slit my wrists right there in the hallway.
i've been listening to an 80's alternative station on apple radio and am dismayed to realize that this choice puts me solidly in the apple corp's crazy cat lady demographic...which is to say that all the ads are for mcdonald's chicken nuggets and lightweight cat litter. this perplexes me. just because i like the cure and the smiths doesn't mean i live alone with 19 cats, mindlessly tossing back greasy food units. true, i am of that certain gender and age where you tend to embrace your crazycatlady-ness if you are indeed destined for that life, but i'm confused about how you get from hyperbolic angst to cats. unless of course you are talking about the the musical cats, in which hyperbolic angst seems to be the theme. but i digress...my point(?) is that you don't know me like that, apple radio. don't front. i'll fake taze the shit outta you.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
murphy's poop
murphy's poop. noun. def: the phenomenon of mistakenly and consistently choosing the stall in which a coworker has recently pooped when all other toilet stalls are available.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
murderous ponderings and moments of zen
i cannot cannot cannot and will not be holed up in my home with children - even (or especially?) mine. one of those little fuckers growled at me like an animal yesterday. GROWLED.AT.ME. don't they realize that i am their food source? kids aren't very smart, and i can't say that enough.
the littles also spent way more than one hour badly attempting stealth missions that involved insanely loud stage whispering (audible all the way downstairs) and general skulking around and spying. it was equally comical and annoying in varying amounts until it just became annoying and borderline creepy. i mean, what did they hope to discover anyway? if it was adult farting and side-by-side phone fondling, i suppose their mission was accomplished. take that info back to headquarters - stat!
stay-at-home mothers: i applaud you, i admire you, i don't understand you but i respect the shit out of you. i couldn't do it. (see paragraph 1, last sentence)
stay-at-home mothers who live in cold climates in which winters last at least 5 months: i think you might be insane. certainly if you didn't start out that way, you have to be now, right? also, you're going straight to heaven.
apropos of nothing, i've been recently pondering the notion that there's a difference between never wanting to do anything and just wanting to do nothing. because sometimes, i just want to do nothing. but i don't consider myself to be one of those people who never wants to do anything. i've been falsely accused! let that be your "tree falling in the woods" meditation theme.
speaking of meditation, every time i get still, i get sleepy. how do monks do it? also speaking of meditation, every time i type that word, i accidentally type medication. typo, or keen insight into modern times? that can be another meditation theme or the beginning of your next nap.
the littles also spent way more than one hour badly attempting stealth missions that involved insanely loud stage whispering (audible all the way downstairs) and general skulking around and spying. it was equally comical and annoying in varying amounts until it just became annoying and borderline creepy. i mean, what did they hope to discover anyway? if it was adult farting and side-by-side phone fondling, i suppose their mission was accomplished. take that info back to headquarters - stat!
stay-at-home mothers: i applaud you, i admire you, i don't understand you but i respect the shit out of you. i couldn't do it. (see paragraph 1, last sentence)
stay-at-home mothers who live in cold climates in which winters last at least 5 months: i think you might be insane. certainly if you didn't start out that way, you have to be now, right? also, you're going straight to heaven.
apropos of nothing, i've been recently pondering the notion that there's a difference between never wanting to do anything and just wanting to do nothing. because sometimes, i just want to do nothing. but i don't consider myself to be one of those people who never wants to do anything. i've been falsely accused! let that be your "tree falling in the woods" meditation theme.
speaking of meditation, every time i get still, i get sleepy. how do monks do it? also speaking of meditation, every time i type that word, i accidentally type medication. typo, or keen insight into modern times? that can be another meditation theme or the beginning of your next nap.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
unrelated observations and subsequent judging
ants are committing suicide in my bathtub on the regular. every time i bathe in there, i have to rinse out ant carcasses before i can plug the tub and run my bath. everybody always talks about how incredible ants are...their amazing strength and the complexity of their colonies and whatnot. but as far as i'm concerned, if you can't even see your way out of a bathtub, you're not all that bright. they're following other stupid ants who are going to die to the spot where they are also going to die. they should drive their little short buses in there and get it all done at one time.
have you ever received a compliment from someone who is completely fashion impaired, head to toe? i'm talking about the woman in your office with the flowbee hairdo and the socks with sandals who's missing some of the important teeth toward the front - you know the one. do you worry about that compliment and then wonder if you're also doing it wrong? (observations like this are why people either don't like me or like me a lot.)
we have a neighborhood facebook page that i regret joining most days. there are some really informative things that pop up there every now and again, but for the most part it's bored stay-at-home moms kvetching about their neighbors' driving and reporting any and all unmarked white vans parked in or around the hood. the posts themselves are eyeroll material (i'm trying, okay!), but the turns they take as the comments add up are fodder for a jerry springer neighborhood craptacular. one such post about a car who tapped a jogger because neither was paying attention turned into a debate about who was more at fault - the driver or the jogger. another about a missing pet turtle turned into a name-calling brawl about pet theft. and don't get them started about the illegal u-turns in front of the elementary school. they invariably end with the wrath of god being called down upon the offending minivan driver whereby they are cursed forever and will be forced to bear the stain of their sins so that all may know of their transgressions. example: i don't want to call anybody out publicly, but if you drive a honda odyssey with license plate dg4-lbe and your name rhymes with pallison spith, watch your back. and then there was the lady who was "sickened" by the cars parked in the street on such-and-such drive. sickened. ladies (and i say this with a sad heart because most of the offending posts are by humanoids of my gender)...you need to leave the house. make your world bigger. i assure you there are larger issues that will generate legitimate reasons to be sickened. your facebook posts aren't going to solve any of those issues. also - news flash. there are a metric shit-ton of really bad drivers out there. they don't care if you honk. they don't care if you post. they will continue to be bad drivers. take a deep breath and then just let it go. then turn off your computer, leave the house and do something worthwhile. but if you take nothing else away from this paragraph, remember this: turn off your computer. seriously, i mean it.
have you ever received a compliment from someone who is completely fashion impaired, head to toe? i'm talking about the woman in your office with the flowbee hairdo and the socks with sandals who's missing some of the important teeth toward the front - you know the one. do you worry about that compliment and then wonder if you're also doing it wrong? (observations like this are why people either don't like me or like me a lot.)
we have a neighborhood facebook page that i regret joining most days. there are some really informative things that pop up there every now and again, but for the most part it's bored stay-at-home moms kvetching about their neighbors' driving and reporting any and all unmarked white vans parked in or around the hood. the posts themselves are eyeroll material (i'm trying, okay!), but the turns they take as the comments add up are fodder for a jerry springer neighborhood craptacular. one such post about a car who tapped a jogger because neither was paying attention turned into a debate about who was more at fault - the driver or the jogger. another about a missing pet turtle turned into a name-calling brawl about pet theft. and don't get them started about the illegal u-turns in front of the elementary school. they invariably end with the wrath of god being called down upon the offending minivan driver whereby they are cursed forever and will be forced to bear the stain of their sins so that all may know of their transgressions. example: i don't want to call anybody out publicly, but if you drive a honda odyssey with license plate dg4-lbe and your name rhymes with pallison spith, watch your back. and then there was the lady who was "sickened" by the cars parked in the street on such-and-such drive. sickened. ladies (and i say this with a sad heart because most of the offending posts are by humanoids of my gender)...you need to leave the house. make your world bigger. i assure you there are larger issues that will generate legitimate reasons to be sickened. your facebook posts aren't going to solve any of those issues. also - news flash. there are a metric shit-ton of really bad drivers out there. they don't care if you honk. they don't care if you post. they will continue to be bad drivers. take a deep breath and then just let it go. then turn off your computer, leave the house and do something worthwhile. but if you take nothing else away from this paragraph, remember this: turn off your computer. seriously, i mean it.
Monday, January 19, 2015
karma kramming
i'm pretty fast and loose with my spiritual beliefs in general, but i'm a firm believer in karma. if you don't like that word, don't use it - i'm just using it because it's the easiest way i know to say that you're gonna get back what you put out in this life. the older i get, the more i think it's true. to simplify it even further - just be nice.
sarcastic people don't get a whole lot of credit for being nice, in the broadest sense of the word. people who refuse to accept bullshit are also lumped into the not nice category, especially when they're women. (don't get me started on "bitches", because that's another talk for another day.) so i'm a sarcastic woman who struggles with letting anyone tell me it's raining while they're pissing on my leg. evidently, these are not qualities that most people associate with someone who's "nice." and i'll give you this much - i do tend to be judgmental and do a LOT of eye-rolling, and these are not nice things. these habits show my insecurities and make me less powerful, and they harm ME a lot more than anybody else.
and it's been bothering me lately the way that women don't support each other enough. and i'm just as guilty as anyone. i wish i could scrape the instinct out of my brain that says i have to find fault with any woman who makes me feel less pretty or less smart or less talented or less successful. that's so small, and i do it without any conscious thought the MOMENT i meet someone. i disgust myself! and now that i'm aware of it happening, it's even grosser because i realize how many times a day i do it.
in an effort to find myself less repulsive, i've been trying to put out some positive words and actions in the hope that i can retrain my thought process. it's hard. instead of eye-rolling, (or more honestly, after my eye-rolling and ensuing guilt) i've been trying to push that aside and say or do something nice to the person that i was denigrating with my mind. and it makes me feel better, not so much when i do it, but when i think that maybe i made that person's day better, or made them happy, or made them feel pretty or smart. THAT'S when i feel better.
and why shouldn't they feel pretty and smart and happy and loved? women are amazing! they are selfless and soft and strong and tough and keep giving when they don't even know what they're running on. they all have insecurities and struggle just like i do, therefore they should be my teammates, my partners, my allies in this life...not my competition.
i have many many examples of women i've met who ARE nice and have inspired me to be less...well...less of the negative me. but if i continue on in this vein, i'll have to start a march and all the ladies of the world will be forced to join hands and sing helen reddy or something. and while i'm all for embracing my humanity and celebrating women, i just don't think i'm that nice yet. baby steps, people. baby steps.
sarcastic people don't get a whole lot of credit for being nice, in the broadest sense of the word. people who refuse to accept bullshit are also lumped into the not nice category, especially when they're women. (don't get me started on "bitches", because that's another talk for another day.) so i'm a sarcastic woman who struggles with letting anyone tell me it's raining while they're pissing on my leg. evidently, these are not qualities that most people associate with someone who's "nice." and i'll give you this much - i do tend to be judgmental and do a LOT of eye-rolling, and these are not nice things. these habits show my insecurities and make me less powerful, and they harm ME a lot more than anybody else.
and it's been bothering me lately the way that women don't support each other enough. and i'm just as guilty as anyone. i wish i could scrape the instinct out of my brain that says i have to find fault with any woman who makes me feel less pretty or less smart or less talented or less successful. that's so small, and i do it without any conscious thought the MOMENT i meet someone. i disgust myself! and now that i'm aware of it happening, it's even grosser because i realize how many times a day i do it.
in an effort to find myself less repulsive, i've been trying to put out some positive words and actions in the hope that i can retrain my thought process. it's hard. instead of eye-rolling, (or more honestly, after my eye-rolling and ensuing guilt) i've been trying to push that aside and say or do something nice to the person that i was denigrating with my mind. and it makes me feel better, not so much when i do it, but when i think that maybe i made that person's day better, or made them happy, or made them feel pretty or smart. THAT'S when i feel better.
and why shouldn't they feel pretty and smart and happy and loved? women are amazing! they are selfless and soft and strong and tough and keep giving when they don't even know what they're running on. they all have insecurities and struggle just like i do, therefore they should be my teammates, my partners, my allies in this life...not my competition.
i have many many examples of women i've met who ARE nice and have inspired me to be less...well...less of the negative me. but if i continue on in this vein, i'll have to start a march and all the ladies of the world will be forced to join hands and sing helen reddy or something. and while i'm all for embracing my humanity and celebrating women, i just don't think i'm that nice yet. baby steps, people. baby steps.
Friday, January 16, 2015
cat funerals, the flu and other hilarious stories* about why january sucks balls
you haven't lived until you've thrown a party during which a cherished family pet shuffled off his mortal coil in rather dramatic fashion in the presence of party guests. but since that wasn't fun enough, those who stayed late got to attend a cat funeral (and/or dig a hole for said deceased animal)...in the backyard...where it was cold...and raining...and muddy...and during which children were weeping. oh i can THROW A PARTY, son!
my only consolation** was that most of the kids who attended the party started dropping like flies from the flu shortly thereafter. oh also and parents. it's like my home was a leaky sieve of germs and disease. (which of course it is...there are 5 males living there, 4 of which are under 14 and disgusting). i like to do intangible party favors...like illness or perfidy or outright malice. i got the idea off pinterest! i just searched "how to make yourself dead to friends and neighbors."
so fuck you, january. fuck you and the depressing, cold, asshole horse you rode in on. i'm GLAD you're half over - hear me???? i'm GLAD. and i'll be even happier when you're done.
*there aren't any other hilarious stories. that was a lie. january makes me lie.
**excessive sarcasm which is the result of january's very existence
my only consolation** was that most of the kids who attended the party started dropping like flies from the flu shortly thereafter. oh also and parents. it's like my home was a leaky sieve of germs and disease. (which of course it is...there are 5 males living there, 4 of which are under 14 and disgusting). i like to do intangible party favors...like illness or perfidy or outright malice. i got the idea off pinterest! i just searched "how to make yourself dead to friends and neighbors."
so fuck you, january. fuck you and the depressing, cold, asshole horse you rode in on. i'm GLAD you're half over - hear me???? i'm GLAD. and i'll be even happier when you're done.
*there aren't any other hilarious stories. that was a lie. january makes me lie.
**excessive sarcasm which is the result of january's very existence
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
happy hellidays
i had half written a long and detailed post about how hard it is to blend a family and try to raise your kids while still putting in the upkeep work on your relationship, but i decided that the topic was more tired than i feel the week before christmas with 4 kids. i'm tired of hearing myself kvetch about it. and as a reader, you either already know how hard it is, or you don't...and either way you probably don't care to hear me whinge about it. you've got your own problems, for the love of god and all that is holy! i hear you, i hear you...
so let's just talk. i'm tired - are you? i'm ready for the holidays to be over, and i feel guilty about feeling that way at the same time. do you? did you overspend? i did. did some of it end up feeling obligatory rather than enjoyable like you thought it would? i really want to see the magical world of the holidays through the eyes of my children and all that other bullshit that hallmark is slinging, but it's hard when you're tired. i feel like we should hug at this point, and at least one of us will get a little teary.
i don't really know what my point is, except maybe that i think it's important to surround yourself with other people who are mucking through the same struggles you are. their scenarios don't have to match up across the board for them to understand at least part of what you're feeling. it'll make you feel better just hearing that they have been there, or ARE there. they have kids. they have husbands, wives and partners. they have bills and stresses and careers. and there they still are, trudging through it, just like you.
so if you're a reader this early on, it's more than likely i love you already. so if nothing else this week, i'd like to remind you of how much i value you. thank you for listening to me...i know i complain a lot. thanks for the hugs. thanks for letting me cry. i couldn't do any of the hard stuff in my life without you. i wouldn't have the strength to go on without your friendship in my life. thanks for loving me when i'm a huge asshole. thanks for telling me that i was being an asshole when i was - i needed to hear that. thanks for the words of encouragement. you may never know how much i needed them the day you gave them to me. thanks for stumbling down the path with me. i hope you have a seriously kick-ass holiday - you deserve it. i love you, man!
so let's just talk. i'm tired - are you? i'm ready for the holidays to be over, and i feel guilty about feeling that way at the same time. do you? did you overspend? i did. did some of it end up feeling obligatory rather than enjoyable like you thought it would? i really want to see the magical world of the holidays through the eyes of my children and all that other bullshit that hallmark is slinging, but it's hard when you're tired. i feel like we should hug at this point, and at least one of us will get a little teary.
i don't really know what my point is, except maybe that i think it's important to surround yourself with other people who are mucking through the same struggles you are. their scenarios don't have to match up across the board for them to understand at least part of what you're feeling. it'll make you feel better just hearing that they have been there, or ARE there. they have kids. they have husbands, wives and partners. they have bills and stresses and careers. and there they still are, trudging through it, just like you.
so if you're a reader this early on, it's more than likely i love you already. so if nothing else this week, i'd like to remind you of how much i value you. thank you for listening to me...i know i complain a lot. thanks for the hugs. thanks for letting me cry. i couldn't do any of the hard stuff in my life without you. i wouldn't have the strength to go on without your friendship in my life. thanks for loving me when i'm a huge asshole. thanks for telling me that i was being an asshole when i was - i needed to hear that. thanks for the words of encouragement. you may never know how much i needed them the day you gave them to me. thanks for stumbling down the path with me. i hope you have a seriously kick-ass holiday - you deserve it. i love you, man!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)