you haven't lived until you've thrown a party during which a cherished family pet shuffled off his mortal coil in rather dramatic fashion in the presence of party guests. but since that wasn't fun enough, those who stayed late got to attend a cat funeral (and/or dig a hole for said deceased animal)...in the backyard...where it was cold...and raining...and muddy...and during which children were weeping. oh i can THROW A PARTY, son!
my only consolation** was that most of the kids who attended the party started dropping like flies from the flu shortly thereafter. oh also and parents. it's like my home was a leaky sieve of germs and disease. (which of course it is...there are 5 males living there, 4 of which are under 14 and disgusting). i like to do intangible party favors...like illness or perfidy or outright malice. i got the idea off pinterest! i just searched "how to make yourself dead to friends and neighbors."
so fuck you, january. fuck you and the depressing, cold, asshole horse you rode in on. i'm GLAD you're half over - hear me???? i'm GLAD. and i'll be even happier when you're done.
*there aren't any other hilarious stories. that was a lie. january makes me lie.
**excessive sarcasm which is the result of january's very existence
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