karma kramming

i'm pretty fast and loose with my spiritual beliefs in general, but i'm a firm believer in karma.  if you don't like that word, don't use it - i'm just using it because it's the easiest way i know to say that you're gonna get back what you put out in this life.  the older i get, the more i think it's true.  to simplify it even further - just be nice.

sarcastic people don't get a whole lot of credit for being nice, in the broadest sense of the word.  people who refuse to accept bullshit are also lumped into the not nice category, especially when they're women.  (don't get me started on "bitches", because that's another talk for another day.)  so i'm a sarcastic woman who struggles with letting anyone tell me it's raining while they're pissing on my leg.  evidently, these are not qualities that most people associate with someone who's "nice."  and i'll give you this much - i do tend to be judgmental and do a LOT of eye-rolling, and these are not nice things.  these habits show my insecurities and make me less powerful, and they harm ME a lot more than anybody else.

and it's been bothering me lately the way that women don't support each other enough.  and i'm just as guilty as anyone.  i wish i could scrape the instinct out of my brain that says i have to find fault with any woman who makes me feel less pretty or less smart or less talented or less successful.  that's so small, and i do it without any conscious thought the MOMENT i meet someone.  i disgust myself!  and now that i'm aware of it happening, it's even grosser because i realize how many times a day i do it. 

in an effort to find myself less repulsive, i've been trying to put out some positive words and actions in the hope that i can retrain my thought process.  it's hard.  instead of eye-rolling, (or more honestly, after my eye-rolling and ensuing guilt) i've been trying to push that aside and say or do something nice to the person that i was denigrating with my mind.  and it makes me feel better, not so much when i do it, but when i think that maybe i made that person's day better, or made them happy, or made them feel pretty or smart.  THAT'S when i feel better. 

and why shouldn't they feel pretty and smart and happy and loved?  women are amazing!  they are selfless and soft and strong and tough and keep giving when they don't even know what they're running on.  they all have insecurities and struggle just like i do, therefore they should be my teammates, my partners, my allies in this life...not my competition.

i have many many examples of women i've met who ARE nice and have inspired me to be less...well...less of the negative me.  but if i continue on in this vein, i'll have to start a march and all the ladies of the world will be forced to join hands and sing helen reddy or something.  and while i'm all for embracing my humanity and celebrating women, i just don't think i'm that nice yet.  baby steps, people.  baby steps.