unsolicited is the only kind of advice i ever give

it's okay people...i know everything, so rest assured that all of the following advice is golden. 

1. if you're going to post photos of yourself or a loved one wearing a hospital gown on facebook, then you are morally obligated to tell what's going on in the post.  i don't care if it's hemorrhoid surgery or calf implants or shock treatment...if you're gonna overshare, then really go for it.  don't leave a sister hanging.
2. read a book.  read fiction to escape, read non-fiction to learn.  read a classic every now and then.  talk about what you read, listen to what other people say about the books that they read.  tell everyone you know about the books that you enjoyed.  don't hang onto paperbacks - pass them on to someone else.  never stop reading or learning.
3. be well-informed before you opine.  research the issues you care about using multiple and varied sources, and then take a stand with confidence that you know what in the hell you're talking about.  if you make uniformed statements, people will think you're stupid.  if you don't know what in the hell you're talking about, then shut the fuck up.  please.
4. use big words now and then when you talk to your kids.  don't dumb it down.  they understand more than you think in context.  words are awesome - flex your vocabulary, and show your kids how to do the same.
5. people accept the love they think they deserve.  those are not my words, but i thought it was genius when i read it.  it's not really advice, but it's great food for thought.
6. don't kick my dog, metaphorically speaking.  i might completely agree with you that my dog is an asshole, but if you call him an asshole, i'll immediately defend my asshole dog.  EVERY.TIME.  this is advice i should follow more often myself.
7. don't be passive aggressive.  if you have something to say, then say it outright.  don't be such a pussy.
8. and lastly...take all advice with a grain of salt.  except mine, of course...i'm a fucking genius.

what's inside is even more disturbing

i feel sorry for people who say they don't dream.  remembering my dreams each morning is like watching reruns of this freaky show i saw last night and still can't get over.  they're the sort of thing you'd discuss with your coworkers with varying degrees of amusement, horror or puzzlement, depending on the episode. 

of course, not every show is a winner.  sandwiched in between such stunners as "the salmon that wanted to kiss me" and "the government has downgraded my official status to white trash" are more predictable stories with tired themes such as "why can't i run faster?", "holy shit it's final exam day and this is the first time i've made it to this class."  my theory on this is that if you're the sort of person who has nutball dreams every single night, you might be the sort of person who resides in one of those places with mandatory meds and bars on the windows.

even so, i'm sort of strangely proud of some of my odder conjurings. there's some interesting shit swirling around in my head!  i woke up abruptly in the middle of the night once and thought to myself, "i just dreamed my BESTSELLER."  it was an epic masterpiece with intrigue, surprising plot twists and a shocking and satisfying ending.  i was counting dollar signs and interviews with oprah as i drifted back to sleep and awoke remembering not one single thing about my genius story.  asshole brain had a good laugh about that one.

recurring themes:  heights, elevators, animals (that love me and wish to show me affection, no matter how inappropriate and kittens specifically), flying, swimming/floating, drowning and being okay with it,  nudity (usually mine), sex (but not with kittens) and slow running, which ironically is exactly how i do it when i'm awake. 

summary:  that salmon was going to stop at nothing to kiss me last night.  the other fish just wanted to hug me, but that dirty salmon had to take it to a place where we were all uncomfortable.  what's wrong with you???

did you call shotgun?

you've likely "stumbled" across this blog because i sent you the link.  so for whatever reason, i think you're a person who falls into one of the following categories:

1. you like me and it doesn't matter what i write - you'll read it anyway
2. you might agree with me, which i always enjoy
3. you might think it's funny...funny funny or funny strange or often both at the same time
4. it might make you feel better about your life, mostly because i often complain and carry on about my first world tribulations
5. you're not easily offended

this blog isn't going to serve any specific purpose or do anything amazing for humanity, so if that's what you're into, i recommend you check out the red cross website or something.  this is going to be a stream of consciousness sort of blathering drivel, which i'm really good at.  it'll probably be weird, because i have strange thoughts and weird friends with other strange thoughts.  i like weird, quite frankly, because boring is not my thing.  look at me, i'm already blathering - TOLD you.

so read this if you want.  share it if you want.  please comment (if you agree with me) if the spirit moves you. i'll be having lots of nothing to say using as many words as possible here.  it'll be a super time waster.  come on...you know you want it.