karma kramming

i'm pretty fast and loose with my spiritual beliefs in general, but i'm a firm believer in karma.  if you don't like that word, don't use it - i'm just using it because it's the easiest way i know to say that you're gonna get back what you put out in this life.  the older i get, the more i think it's true.  to simplify it even further - just be nice.

sarcastic people don't get a whole lot of credit for being nice, in the broadest sense of the word.  people who refuse to accept bullshit are also lumped into the not nice category, especially when they're women.  (don't get me started on "bitches", because that's another talk for another day.)  so i'm a sarcastic woman who struggles with letting anyone tell me it's raining while they're pissing on my leg.  evidently, these are not qualities that most people associate with someone who's "nice."  and i'll give you this much - i do tend to be judgmental and do a LOT of eye-rolling, and these are not nice things.  these habits show my insecurities and make me less powerful, and they harm ME a lot more than anybody else.

and it's been bothering me lately the way that women don't support each other enough.  and i'm just as guilty as anyone.  i wish i could scrape the instinct out of my brain that says i have to find fault with any woman who makes me feel less pretty or less smart or less talented or less successful.  that's so small, and i do it without any conscious thought the MOMENT i meet someone.  i disgust myself!  and now that i'm aware of it happening, it's even grosser because i realize how many times a day i do it. 

in an effort to find myself less repulsive, i've been trying to put out some positive words and actions in the hope that i can retrain my thought process.  it's hard.  instead of eye-rolling, (or more honestly, after my eye-rolling and ensuing guilt) i've been trying to push that aside and say or do something nice to the person that i was denigrating with my mind.  and it makes me feel better, not so much when i do it, but when i think that maybe i made that person's day better, or made them happy, or made them feel pretty or smart.  THAT'S when i feel better. 

and why shouldn't they feel pretty and smart and happy and loved?  women are amazing!  they are selfless and soft and strong and tough and keep giving when they don't even know what they're running on.  they all have insecurities and struggle just like i do, therefore they should be my teammates, my partners, my allies in this life...not my competition.

i have many many examples of women i've met who ARE nice and have inspired me to be less...well...less of the negative me.  but if i continue on in this vein, i'll have to start a march and all the ladies of the world will be forced to join hands and sing helen reddy or something.  and while i'm all for embracing my humanity and celebrating women, i just don't think i'm that nice yet.  baby steps, people.  baby steps.

cat funerals, the flu and other hilarious stories* about why january sucks balls

you haven't lived until you've thrown a party during which a cherished family pet shuffled off his mortal coil in rather dramatic fashion in the presence of party guests.  but since that wasn't fun enough, those who stayed late got to attend a cat funeral (and/or dig a hole for said deceased animal)...in the backyard...where it was cold...and raining...and muddy...and during which children were weeping.  oh i can THROW A PARTY, son!

my only consolation**  was that most of the kids who attended the party started dropping like flies from the flu shortly thereafter.  oh also and parents.  it's like my home was a leaky sieve of germs and disease.  (which of course it is...there are 5 males living there, 4 of which are under 14 and disgusting).  i like to do intangible party favors...like illness or perfidy or outright malice.  i got the idea off pinterest!  i just searched "how to make yourself dead to friends and neighbors."


so fuck you, january.  fuck you and the depressing, cold, asshole horse you rode in on.  i'm GLAD you're half over - hear me????  i'm GLAD.  and i'll be even happier when you're done. 


*there aren't any other hilarious stories.  that was a lie.  january makes me lie.  

**excessive sarcasm which is the result of january's very existence

happy hellidays

i had half written a long and detailed post about how hard it is to blend a family and try to raise your kids while still putting in the upkeep work on your relationship, but i decided that the topic was more tired than i feel the week before christmas with 4 kids.  i'm tired of hearing myself kvetch about it.  and as a reader, you either already know how hard it is, or you don't...and either way you probably don't care to hear me whinge about it.  you've got your own problems, for the love of god and all that is holy!  i hear you, i hear you...

so let's just talk.  i'm tired - are you?  i'm ready for the holidays to be over, and i feel guilty about feeling that way at the same time.  do you?  did you overspend?  i did.  did some of it end up feeling obligatory rather than enjoyable like you thought it would?  i really want to see the magical world of the holidays through the eyes of my children and all that other bullshit that hallmark is slinging, but it's hard when you're tired.  i feel like we should hug at this point, and at least one of us will get a little teary.

i don't really know what my point is, except maybe that i think it's important to surround yourself with other people who are mucking through the same struggles you are.  their scenarios don't have to match up across the board for them to understand at least part of what you're feeling.  it'll make you feel better just hearing that they have been there, or ARE there.  they have kids.  they have husbands, wives and partners.  they have bills and stresses and careers.  and there they still are, trudging through it, just like you.

so if you're a reader this early on, it's more than likely i love you already.  so if nothing else this week, i'd like to remind you of how much i value you.  thank you for listening to me...i know i complain a lot.  thanks for the hugs.  thanks for letting me cry.  i couldn't do any of the hard stuff in my life without you.  i wouldn't have the strength to go on without your friendship in my life.  thanks for loving me when i'm a huge asshole.  thanks for telling me that i was being an asshole when i was - i needed to hear that.  thanks for the words of encouragement.  you may never know how much i needed them the day you gave them to me.  thanks for stumbling down the path with me.  i hope you have a seriously kick-ass holiday - you deserve it.  i love you, man!

unsolicited is the only kind of advice i ever give

it's okay people...i know everything, so rest assured that all of the following advice is golden. 

1. if you're going to post photos of yourself or a loved one wearing a hospital gown on facebook, then you are morally obligated to tell what's going on in the post.  i don't care if it's hemorrhoid surgery or calf implants or shock treatment...if you're gonna overshare, then really go for it.  don't leave a sister hanging.
2. read a book.  read fiction to escape, read non-fiction to learn.  read a classic every now and then.  talk about what you read, listen to what other people say about the books that they read.  tell everyone you know about the books that you enjoyed.  don't hang onto paperbacks - pass them on to someone else.  never stop reading or learning.
3. be well-informed before you opine.  research the issues you care about using multiple and varied sources, and then take a stand with confidence that you know what in the hell you're talking about.  if you make uniformed statements, people will think you're stupid.  if you don't know what in the hell you're talking about, then shut the fuck up.  please.
4. use big words now and then when you talk to your kids.  don't dumb it down.  they understand more than you think in context.  words are awesome - flex your vocabulary, and show your kids how to do the same.
5. people accept the love they think they deserve.  those are not my words, but i thought it was genius when i read it.  it's not really advice, but it's great food for thought.
6. don't kick my dog, metaphorically speaking.  i might completely agree with you that my dog is an asshole, but if you call him an asshole, i'll immediately defend my asshole dog.  EVERY.TIME.  this is advice i should follow more often myself.
7. don't be passive aggressive.  if you have something to say, then say it outright.  don't be such a pussy.
8. and lastly...take all advice with a grain of salt.  except mine, of course...i'm a fucking genius.

what's inside is even more disturbing

i feel sorry for people who say they don't dream.  remembering my dreams each morning is like watching reruns of this freaky show i saw last night and still can't get over.  they're the sort of thing you'd discuss with your coworkers with varying degrees of amusement, horror or puzzlement, depending on the episode. 

of course, not every show is a winner.  sandwiched in between such stunners as "the salmon that wanted to kiss me" and "the government has downgraded my official status to white trash" are more predictable stories with tired themes such as "why can't i run faster?", "holy shit it's final exam day and this is the first time i've made it to this class."  my theory on this is that if you're the sort of person who has nutball dreams every single night, you might be the sort of person who resides in one of those places with mandatory meds and bars on the windows.

even so, i'm sort of strangely proud of some of my odder conjurings. there's some interesting shit swirling around in my head!  i woke up abruptly in the middle of the night once and thought to myself, "i just dreamed my BESTSELLER."  it was an epic masterpiece with intrigue, surprising plot twists and a shocking and satisfying ending.  i was counting dollar signs and interviews with oprah as i drifted back to sleep and awoke remembering not one single thing about my genius story.  asshole brain had a good laugh about that one.

recurring themes:  heights, elevators, animals (that love me and wish to show me affection, no matter how inappropriate and kittens specifically), flying, swimming/floating, drowning and being okay with it,  nudity (usually mine), sex (but not with kittens) and slow running, which ironically is exactly how i do it when i'm awake. 

summary:  that salmon was going to stop at nothing to kiss me last night.  the other fish just wanted to hug me, but that dirty salmon had to take it to a place where we were all uncomfortable.  what's wrong with you???

did you call shotgun?

you've likely "stumbled" across this blog because i sent you the link.  so for whatever reason, i think you're a person who falls into one of the following categories:

1. you like me and it doesn't matter what i write - you'll read it anyway
2. you might agree with me, which i always enjoy
3. you might think it's funny...funny funny or funny strange or often both at the same time
4. it might make you feel better about your life, mostly because i often complain and carry on about my first world tribulations
5. you're not easily offended

this blog isn't going to serve any specific purpose or do anything amazing for humanity, so if that's what you're into, i recommend you check out the red cross website or something.  this is going to be a stream of consciousness sort of blathering drivel, which i'm really good at.  it'll probably be weird, because i have strange thoughts and weird friends with other strange thoughts.  i like weird, quite frankly, because boring is not my thing.  look at me, i'm already blathering - TOLD you.

so read this if you want.  share it if you want.  please comment (if you agree with me) if the spirit moves you. i'll be having lots of nothing to say using as many words as possible here.  it'll be a super time waster.  come on...you know you want it.